El Camino: Anxiety & Awe

Mar 24

Sunday, March 24, 2024 - St. Simons, GA & Charolette, NC USA

The stressors of travel play out in real time.

2.5 days until departure. 😬

I have so many chaotic thoughts running through my head. Did I pack this, did I pack that?! Can I fit everything in my duffel? I have completely taken over my father’s house with my gear, art to frame for spring inventory while I’m gone, and a mess of other things.

My amazing daughter has been so helpful during this process. I can’t imagine she was thinking “Yeaahhh I get to help Mom pack and not go nutty during my Spring Break.” I love her bluntness. “You don’t need both of those pants.” One is enough.” Me…”but they are so cute & comfy.” Soph …. “No!” Me … “😤 fine”. Of course she was right because I was able to close my duffel. 🙄

But I wouldn’t like to point out that when I picked up my daughter for spring break, right before we headed to the airport, she had more bags than I did, and a whole slew of green leafy friends. It was like a jungle in the car. However, we did have good air quality.

These colors, their movement in the sky, and how quickly they appear and disappear are just magic to me. Even though I know these colors aren’t alive they seem to have been given life when playing in the sky. If you look away for an instant, some colors will become shy, blending in with the whole. I could go on for several more paragraphs about that conceptualization but I’ll keep it short today.

Wednesday, March 27, 2024

I made it! Exhausted but happy! Off to bed.

Thursday March 28, 2024 - Lyon, France

Just landed (yesterday) in Lyon. Got a good night’s sleep and feeling good this morning. Yesterday was ….. well…… Lets just say Jet Lag is real folks.

Full disclosure, I got a massage before I went to bed and it was worth every euro! If you are in Lyon this is who you need to contact:

She helped work out my cramped MS body from the 10 hour flight so I can start my journey off right! Thank you Melanie!

Will stay a week in Lyon then head to Le Puy to start walking on Via Podiensis. Woowhoo!!

Friday March 29, 2024 - Lyon, France

Have any of you been so terrified and anxious in a situation that it made you sick? That is what happened to me tonight. And note I was so distraught when I got back to the hotel I could not write anything so I am writing it Saturday morning.

I knew I was going to have to truly leave the hotel and the pretty park across the street and head into the city. This is a HUGE fear of mine. To go into a city where everything is so chaotic that it is hard to process all of the stimuli coming into my MS brain. I have had nightmares about this type of situation. I am terrified of getting lost, not being able to find a safe way out, and being so anxious that I can’t help myself. Not being able to tap into my pre-MS self-reliant brain. Well, I didn’t get lost, but walking through the busiest part of Lyon, the old section, was terrifying. I was so anxious. The unfortunate thing is that the old town was so beautiful.

Beauty in the Chaos

Large cobblestones made up the streets where thousands of people have walked over for hundreds of years. Buildings with stone lentils and ceiling beams that are wider than I am. The restaurant I ate at had a ceiling beam that was probably 12-15 feet in length, A foot and width, and 2 feet in height. Massive. My dinner was lovely. The owner and staff were so kind and did not laugh at my horrible French pronunciation. They helped me find a taxi station that was a short walk from the restaurant. Well, this is where things got difficult. All the taxis were closed for the night. And my phone only had 15% of battery life. Also, for whatever reason my European E-Sim with my new French phone number was not working. And obviously, there was no Wi-Fi on the streets. I could not find a taxi anywhere. The streets were busy with people and bars. I could not speak the language. I did not want to walk back to the hotel in the dark medieval alleyways that I had to cross to get to old town. I have no doubt that all of those places would’ve been completely safe for me to walk through. But my anxiety and insecurity about communicating took over my brain.

I sat on a corner at the outside seating of a bar. It was very similar to a bar you might find in Athens, GA. I did get a chuckle out of that. It was called Wallace, and one of the waiters was very nice. He asked if I needed help. At this point I’m down to 10% on my phone and trying to get a taxi to my location. It took extra time because I had to go back-and-forth between Google Translate and could not find the street signs. Well, did you guys know that they don’t really have street signs? The name of the street is on the building on painted tile. It’s actually kind of neat. The street science can be quite beautiful. I had forgotten that little helpful tidbit of information from my past four days into Europe.

For some of you this would not seem very difficult. This makes me happy for you. But for me and my MS brain, it’s a bit more challenging. I finally got a cab with a nice driver named Jamal. He was very friendly. He and his cab made me feel safe. He knew exactly where my hotel was located. Oh! And he also gave me a cord to charge my phone. I was so relieved to get to my safe place (hotel) that I jumped out of the cab and nearly walked off without paying the nice man. 🙄. He was very gracious at my mistake. Friends when I got up to my room all my stress, fear, and anxiety poured out of me. I started feeling nauseous and sick (it could’ve also been the cream in the delicious au gratin potatoes I had for dinner). I started sobbing.

Relief

I called my family. they helped me calm down. When did my daughter become so much more “put together and worldly” than I did? I used to travel all the time by myself. Internationally! Of course that was 25-30 years ago. Sophia was so calm on the phone with me as was my husband Adrian. I am so blessed. What I got out of this experience is the affirmation of my belief that there are people in this world who want to do good. Who want to be kind. Thank you to the kind restaurant owner and staff, thank you to the kind young bar waiter at Wallace, and thank you to Jamal the taxi cab driver. And thank you to my family for listening and helping me process this experience.